Upon His First Days into Toddlerhood

Bean:

-Banged on a window while I was outside in the yard, shrieked, and proceeded to flip me the bird (it wasn't intentional, but still...).
-Overturned a bowl of food that he was feeding himself to express his displeasure on NOT getting a sip of water IMMEDIATELY WHEN HE WAS YELLING FOR IT.
-Kicked me in the vag with a look of malice, after I picked him up and told him it was nap time (I wish I was joking).
-Cost me a crazy amount of money on snack foods that the pediatrician said I need to buy, because clearly my child is slipping on the growth curve with every visit (he eats! all the time! I swear!!)
-Bit my shoulder, and thought it was funny
-Cried through dinner last night because Paul wasn't the one feeding him

I want a refund. :)