I really should stop speaking Parseltongue.

Yesterday, I stumbled upon this on a sidewalk, in our neighborhood (suburbia):

"I want to grow up big and strong, and then take out the WHOLE BLOCK!!"

That right there is a venomous snake. It was a baby. Because it was so small, I almost let it live... But then I decided that I am a total monster and crushed its head with the end of my hiking pole.
Word got out that I'm a snake killer (and a horrible human being), and the snake world decided to send me this, not even 24 hours later, just for "funsies":

"All up in your grill, ready to kill your dogs and baby!"

A totally different kind of snake. Bigger, angrier, more aggressive, more FATAL. *facepalm*
It was IN MY BACKYARD.

I'm washing the dishes, and the dogs start frantically barking.
"Ugh! Our neighbor let their lab out again and they're barking at it. The baby is sleeping! Ahhhh!"
I look out the window to scold them, and I see this angry venomous snake, coiled up, ready to strike the dogs that have cornered it.
OHMYGODGETINTHEHOUSERIGHTNOW!!!

The dogs seem to have avoided a bite by the grace of God. The snake slithered under the fence, and is apparently gone, much to my dismay. I ran to the garage to get a shovel, so I could go all Samuel L. Jackson on it, only to find we left the damn thing in L.A. Argh!
You win, snake. You live today, but I swear if you come back again and bring your friends, it's going to be all kinds of "Snakes on a Plane" at my house.